Doubt

Doubt… Who are you, where do you come from, what do you want? Hi My name is doubt. I am a part of your parts. I am a part of the world. I was birthed and created to function for good, and have been co-opted for bad. I am that part that offers protection, a slowing down. Not making haste decisions, to make sure it's fitting for you. I work with time and confidence. I also work with love, we all work with love actually, or at the least we all were trained to work with love. I was created to be taken like a pinch of salt. A healthy pinch of doubt. small doses go a long way, with a pinch of time, but if you take too much over a lot of time, I start to live with you and I'm not a good roommate. I need to be on my way once my pinch has been used up, I am A seasoning and not the main dish. Use sparingly. Other people may sprinkle me in your dish so they can consume you when they don't want to do their own work. Be wary. This is not used as intended. If you taste too much of me, the recipe is off, you may need to start over, and if you can't, then readjust, reevaluate. Try to minimize exposure and change the situation. If not it's karma I manifest into disassociation inadequacy worthlessness. In this case you may hand over your powers, you may override intuition (she gets crossed with me when this happens) you may lose yourself in the process. Basically, overuse/overdose has side effects and awareness needs to be used. I am not needed for all dishes. I can be a quick reference, used for reference but no further. I can also help with a bit of grounding, but confidence works well for this. All in balance. I am clearer than you think. No doubt about the doubt. Trust actually trust yourself. Let's trust in. I am a creative matchmaker, I want to send in those who are better. Like I said I do not need to be used. I am OK not working. I am emergency use part. Not one that needs to be used frequently. I would rather keep soaking in the water with my feet in the sand. I enter reluctantly, as part of my essence. I'm doubtful to work even, and identify as not ambitious, unlike the others. So give me a break let me off the hook enjoy yourself without me. You got this. I'm here if you need me, no worries, I'll come do a reference check, for sure, but you get used to using your inner trust He has more capacity It actually is destined for this work. Love you, Always, without, a doubt.

grief

i met my grief today. i made peace with it, i named it, i felt it, i walked with it, i escorted it, i let it be free in the waves, grief, the grips of grief, they are strong, she is strong this visitor, and she stays a long time, she doesnt get invited, and she doesnt give a shit, she arrives when she arrives and you dont even know she is there until you are ready to see her, she doesnt care, shes there regardless. oh, she'll wait, she'll wait as long as it takes for you to recognize her. she is patient like the grains of sand. she wont get your attention, she emmerges slowly, you feel her presence over and over, but you dont really know what it is until she starts to appear and then you can name her, and feed her and take care of her and be with her and then, when you feel the connection, when in actuality, you start to take care of yourself the way you did her, her work is done and she can leave. goodbye grief, you are a fierce and strong companion, i understand why you come and i am grateful that you come and sit shiva for as long as i need.

Return to Sender

In a paper shopping bag, I place all of the things that no longer serve me neatly folded with care to return to you. You can have them back and do what you may with them, but they are not mine and I do not have the space to keep them anymore. I give you back your disappointments and misguided expectations. I give you back one-sided directives and power plays. I give you back your dwellings on the past. I give you back your moderate to severe lies. I give you back unexpected anger and violent expressions. I give you back your disconnections and your need for attention by withdrawing. I give you back of your desire for me to erase my past. I give you back your objectifications. I give you back your subtle to grandiose use of control to establish power plays especially the statements that there is no such thing between us. I give you back the blame and guilt for supposed lack of care. I give you back your lack of emotional intelligence and projections. I give you back your lack of responsibility. I give you back your ignorance 

and your unwillingness to hold space to process...

I cannot give you back my disappointments, my faults, my lack of attention, my lack of heeding the red flags, my pleasure and my pain, the lack of breath, the suffocation, the hives, the tears, the consequences, the anxiety, my questions of worthiness, my confusions, my desire, my attachments, my (mis/)understandings, my learning, my teaching- they are mine. Not giving any of these away, not erasing the past as it is mine that I hold, and even if I wanted to I could not give it away. It is a part of me and a part of my learning and my path. 

I got a piece of my broken heart lodged inside my throat.

Post Ponderosa

20 min write framework framing the work

a need for discourse of closure, for debriefment

debrief, a word picked up at NYU, who was I before that?

Perhaps I was and was not placed in the right bubble with the right platforms to cook and plate the thoughts and feelings.

here I am. again. this time. new time, a new now. I can look back.

I survived yesterday and the past.

I can rebuild the now, pieces of the past are there

if the body doesn't forget then it's all there and the only thing I can do is give the now a platform to excavate the then and place it deliciously into the present.

moments that tickle, that is the juice for me. moments that tickle.

it takes different modes of rehearsal, development, presentation and performance

an academic mindset sterilizes my insides.

turn it off for a while and catch the colors of the breath, like a butterfly, take a picture, capture it in time, then let it fly away where it can continue to do the same elsewhere.

20 min time to unravel the 3 weeks spent being unraveled

those who don't do this and the like, are they better off?

the highs are high and the lows get low. the range of the spectrum expands and contracts based on experiences shared and cultivated and exposed and atrophied.

where was i and where am i? a wounded one, came into the threshold . . . but all of it is encapsulated in the experience, a 3 week open score, one without clear delineation of roles and boundaries.

STEP RIGHT UP!  but be careful what you may find in the house of broken mirrors, you might recognize a piece that was hidden from you, 

how lucky that you get to find it, if you can handle it.

dig deep to follow the truth but realize that it floats up to the surface if you sit long enough.

hidden traces of vulnerability 

what is it all about.

"have i left you with all of the questions" allow the questions

allow the NO and YES

shoot MAYBE through the heart till it breaks up into a thousand little yes's and no's, ready to conquer the world,

and be proud of the I don't knows because there is more learning to be done more purpose to be had.

Performance. Give a framework, test the waters, and do the research.

I find myself . . . blah blah blah.

Excavate the possibilities. 

a moment to answer some questions and weave new ones.

an opportunity to research without an IRB, 

these are my findings, thank you for coming.

a workout gym for the mind and the nervous system, 

they were right: this is how it feels.

In an open score is where you find it all is where all is uncovered the choice made and unmade a terrain of possibilities all of it is part of it  . . . 

not everyone is a writer, but everyone "can" write.

cough cough step outside the door of the mind rusting leaves in the distance a beat of some sort trailing not the right ear, wait, speak into my good ear shuffling of feet nearby and the clink clink. door closed a part is shut out a piece of silence while other parts get louder. an open score of sound in space.

sometimes clappter is so loud its overwhelming just clapping sometimes no clapping is my response, the whole body feels it inside that I feel that it is our enough. ENOUGH! Polite clapping, integrity lost or found or not or so uphold and support 

but what is the truth?

_________________________________________________________________________________

so what did I learn?

I need to spend time in nature. Until this happens I forget the importance, you don't know until you go.

Interested currently in performance- different types of, different avenues of, purposes to

real versus artifice

vulnerable versus compensated

Performing of the self versus performing artifice

The importance of craft, while also c

Considered intentions- thinking about all of the choices involved 

ACTIVATE! do do do

Charge! ex Charging the space with something even though it does not appear in the final product, it still has influenced the piece. Working with something super literal and then throwing it away, leaving it's tracing without spoon-feeding the audience and yourself.

On the other hand- "don't be afraid of the obvious"

A big thing learned experienced: wrecking the life, wrecking the preconceived notions of anything: of how to use space, of how space is used, of how roles are used, even the way dinner is served do do do  turn everything upside down inside out not get used of the way things are- in this open way there is an opportunity to do whatever you want and see what happens, it takes a lot of energy

Choice requires brain energy. Being with people requires a lot of brain energy- have to calibrate to the tiny increments of interactions 

New practices to stretch possibilities and shifts modes of being:

durational shaking

contemplative practice

walking backwards

enough score

play healing (formerly known as fake healing)

archiving the cells

durational gibberish
open mouth and tongue out - -  no thoughts can enter . . . this is a new research, it feels like natural anti-anxiety 

Post Ponderosa

20 min write framework framing the work

a need for discourse of closure, for debriefment

debrief, a word picked up at NYU, who was I before that?

Perhaps I was and was not placed in the right bubble with the right platforms to cook and plate the thoughts and feelings.

here I am. again. this time. new time, a new now. I can look back.

I survived yesterday and the past.

I can rebuild the now, pieces of the past are there

if the body doesn't forget then it's all there and the only thing I can do is give the now a platform to excavate the then and place it deliciously into the present.

moments that tickle, that is the juice for me. moments that tickle.

it takes different modes of rehearsal, development, presentation and performance

an academic mindset sterilizes my insides.

turn it off for a while and catch the colors of the breath, like a butterfly, take a picture, capture it in time, then let it fly away where it can continue to do the same elsewhere.

20 min time to unravel the 3 weeks spent being unraveled

those who don't do this and the like, are they better off?

the highs are high and the lows get low. the range of the spectrum expands and contracts based on experiences shared and cultivated and exposed and atrophied.

where was i and where am i? a wounded one, came into the threshold . . . but all of it is encapsulated in the experience, a 3 week open score, one without clear delineation of roles and boundaries.

STEP RIGHT UP!  but be careful what you may find in the house of broken mirrors, you might recognize a piece that was hidden from you, 

how lucky that you get to find it, if you can handle it.

dig deep to follow the truth but realize that it floats up to the surface if you sit long enough.

hidden traces of vulnerability 

what is it all about.

"have i left you with all of the questions" allow the questions

allow the NO and YES

shoot Maybe through the heart till it breaks up into a thousand little yes's and no's, ready to conquer the world,

and be proud of the I don't knows because there is more learning to be done more purpose to be had.

Performance. Give a framework, test the waters, and do the research.

I find myself . . . blah blah blah.

Excavate the possibilities. 

a moment to answer some questions and weave new ones.

an opportunity to research without an IRB, 

these are my findings, thank you for coming.

a workout gym for the mind and the nervous system, 

they were right: this is how it feels.

In an open score is where you find it all is where all is uncovered the choice made and unmade a terrain of possibilities all of it is part of it  . . . 

not everyone is a writer, but everyone "can" write.

cough cough step outside the door of the mind rusting leaves in the distance a beat of some sort trailing not the right ear, wait, speak into my good ear shuffling of feet nearby and the clink clink. door closed a part is shut out a piece of silence while other parts get louder. an open score of sound in space.

sometimes clappter is so loud its overwhelming just clapping sometimes no clapping is my response, the whole body feels it inside that I feel that it is our enough. ENOUGH! Polite clapping, integrity lost or found or not or so uphold and support 

but what is the truth?

_________________________________________________________________________________

so what did I learn?

I need to spend time in nature. Until this happens I forget the importance, you don't know until you go.

Interested currently in performance- different types of, different avenues of, purposes to

real versus artifice

vulnerable versus compensated

Performing of the self versus performing artifice

The importance of craft, while also c

Considered intentions- thinking about all of the choices involved 

ACTIVATE! do do do

Charge! ex Charging the space with something even though it does not appear in the final product, it still has influenced the piece. Working with something super literal and then throwing it away, leaving it's tracing without spoon-feeding the audience and yourself.

On the other hand- "don't be afraid of the obvious"

A big thing learned experienced: wrecking the life, wrecking the preconceived notions of anything: of how to use space, of how space is used, of how roles are used, even the way dinner is served do do do  turn everything upside down inside out not get used of the way things are- in this open way there is an opportunity to do whatever you want and see what happens, it takes a lot of energy

Choice requires brain energy. Being with people requires a lot of brain energy- have to calibrate to the tiny increments of interactions 

New practices to stretch possibilities and shifts modes of being:

durational shaking

contemplative practice

walking backwards

enough score

play healing (formerly known as fake healing)

archiving the cells

durational gibberish
open mouth and tongue out - -  no thoughts can enter . . . this is a new research, it feels like natural anti-anxiety 

Pain

Pain as natural healer

Relationship to pain

Conversation