Doubt

Doubt… Who are you, where do you come from, what do you want? Hi My name is doubt. I am a part of your parts. I am a part of the world. I was birthed and created to function for good, and have been co-opted for bad. I am that part that offers protection, a slowing down. Not making haste decisions, to make sure it's fitting for you. I work with time and confidence. I also work with love, we all work with love actually, or at the least we all were trained to work with love. I was created to be taken like a pinch of salt. A healthy pinch of doubt. small doses go a long way, with a pinch of time, but if you take too much over a lot of time, I start to live with you and I'm not a good roommate. I need to be on my way once my pinch has been used up, I am A seasoning and not the main dish. Use sparingly. Other people may sprinkle me in your dish so they can consume you when they don't want to do their own work. Be wary. This is not used as intended. If you taste too much of me, the recipe is off, you may need to start over, and if you can't, then readjust, reevaluate. Try to minimize exposure and change the situation. If not it's karma I manifest into disassociation inadequacy worthlessness. In this case you may hand over your powers, you may override intuition (she gets crossed with me when this happens) you may lose yourself in the process. Basically, overuse/overdose has side effects and awareness needs to be used. I am not needed for all dishes. I can be a quick reference, used for reference but no further. I can also help with a bit of grounding, but confidence works well for this. All in balance. I am clearer than you think. No doubt about the doubt. Trust actually trust yourself. Let's trust in. I am a creative matchmaker, I want to send in those who are better. Like I said I do not need to be used. I am OK not working. I am emergency use part. Not one that needs to be used frequently. I would rather keep soaking in the water with my feet in the sand. I enter reluctantly, as part of my essence. I'm doubtful to work even, and identify as not ambitious, unlike the others. So give me a break let me off the hook enjoy yourself without me. You got this. I'm here if you need me, no worries, I'll come do a reference check, for sure, but you get used to using your inner trust He has more capacity It actually is destined for this work. Love you, Always, without, a doubt.

grief

i met my grief today. i made peace with it, i named it, i felt it, i walked with it, i escorted it, i let it be free in the waves, grief, the grips of grief, they are strong, she is strong this visitor, and she stays a long time, she doesnt get invited, and she doesnt give a shit, she arrives when she arrives and you dont even know she is there until you are ready to see her, she doesnt care, shes there regardless. oh, she'll wait, she'll wait as long as it takes for you to recognize her. she is patient like the grains of sand. she wont get your attention, she emmerges slowly, you feel her presence over and over, but you dont really know what it is until she starts to appear and then you can name her, and feed her and take care of her and be with her and then, when you feel the connection, when in actuality, you start to take care of yourself the way you did her, her work is done and she can leave. goodbye grief, you are a fierce and strong companion, i understand why you come and i am grateful that you come and sit shiva for as long as i need.

Return to Sender

In a paper shopping bag, I place all of the things that no longer serve me neatly folded with care to return to you. You can have them back and do what you may with them, but they are not mine and I do not have the space to keep them anymore. I give you back your disappointments and misguided expectations. I give you back one-sided directives and power plays. I give you back your dwellings on the past. I give you back your moderate to severe lies. I give you back unexpected anger and violent expressions. I give you back your disconnections and your need for attention by withdrawing. I give you back of your desire for me to erase my past. I give you back your objectifications. I give you back your subtle to grandiose use of control to establish power plays especially the statements that there is no such thing between us. I give you back the blame and guilt for supposed lack of care. I give you back your lack of emotional intelligence and projections. I give you back your lack of responsibility. I give you back your ignorance 

and your unwillingness to hold space to process...

I cannot give you back my disappointments, my faults, my lack of attention, my lack of heeding the red flags, my pleasure and my pain, the lack of breath, the suffocation, the hives, the tears, the consequences, the anxiety, my questions of worthiness, my confusions, my desire, my attachments, my (mis/)understandings, my learning, my teaching- they are mine. Not giving any of these away, not erasing the past as it is mine that I hold, and even if I wanted to I could not give it away. It is a part of me and a part of my learning and my path. 

I got a piece of my broken heart lodged inside my throat.

Post Ponderosa

20 min write framework framing the work

a need for discourse of closure, for debriefment

debrief, a word picked up at NYU, who was I before that?

Perhaps I was and was not placed in the right bubble with the right platforms to cook and plate the thoughts and feelings.

here I am. again. this time. new time, a new now. I can look back.

I survived yesterday and the past.

I can rebuild the now, pieces of the past are there

if the body doesn't forget then it's all there and the only thing I can do is give the now a platform to excavate the then and place it deliciously into the present.

moments that tickle, that is the juice for me. moments that tickle.

it takes different modes of rehearsal, development, presentation and performance

an academic mindset sterilizes my insides.

turn it off for a while and catch the colors of the breath, like a butterfly, take a picture, capture it in time, then let it fly away where it can continue to do the same elsewhere.

20 min time to unravel the 3 weeks spent being unraveled

those who don't do this and the like, are they better off?

the highs are high and the lows get low. the range of the spectrum expands and contracts based on experiences shared and cultivated and exposed and atrophied.

where was i and where am i? a wounded one, came into the threshold . . . but all of it is encapsulated in the experience, a 3 week open score, one without clear delineation of roles and boundaries.

STEP RIGHT UP!  but be careful what you may find in the house of broken mirrors, you might recognize a piece that was hidden from you, 

how lucky that you get to find it, if you can handle it.

dig deep to follow the truth but realize that it floats up to the surface if you sit long enough.

hidden traces of vulnerability 

what is it all about.

"have i left you with all of the questions" allow the questions

allow the NO and YES

shoot MAYBE through the heart till it breaks up into a thousand little yes's and no's, ready to conquer the world,

and be proud of the I don't knows because there is more learning to be done more purpose to be had.

Performance. Give a framework, test the waters, and do the research.

I find myself . . . blah blah blah.

Excavate the possibilities. 

a moment to answer some questions and weave new ones.

an opportunity to research without an IRB, 

these are my findings, thank you for coming.

a workout gym for the mind and the nervous system, 

they were right: this is how it feels.

In an open score is where you find it all is where all is uncovered the choice made and unmade a terrain of possibilities all of it is part of it  . . . 

not everyone is a writer, but everyone "can" write.

cough cough step outside the door of the mind rusting leaves in the distance a beat of some sort trailing not the right ear, wait, speak into my good ear shuffling of feet nearby and the clink clink. door closed a part is shut out a piece of silence while other parts get louder. an open score of sound in space.

sometimes clappter is so loud its overwhelming just clapping sometimes no clapping is my response, the whole body feels it inside that I feel that it is our enough. ENOUGH! Polite clapping, integrity lost or found or not or so uphold and support 

but what is the truth?

_________________________________________________________________________________

so what did I learn?

I need to spend time in nature. Until this happens I forget the importance, you don't know until you go.

Interested currently in performance- different types of, different avenues of, purposes to

real versus artifice

vulnerable versus compensated

Performing of the self versus performing artifice

The importance of craft, while also c

Considered intentions- thinking about all of the choices involved 

ACTIVATE! do do do

Charge! ex Charging the space with something even though it does not appear in the final product, it still has influenced the piece. Working with something super literal and then throwing it away, leaving it's tracing without spoon-feeding the audience and yourself.

On the other hand- "don't be afraid of the obvious"

A big thing learned experienced: wrecking the life, wrecking the preconceived notions of anything: of how to use space, of how space is used, of how roles are used, even the way dinner is served do do do  turn everything upside down inside out not get used of the way things are- in this open way there is an opportunity to do whatever you want and see what happens, it takes a lot of energy

Choice requires brain energy. Being with people requires a lot of brain energy- have to calibrate to the tiny increments of interactions 

New practices to stretch possibilities and shifts modes of being:

durational shaking

contemplative practice

walking backwards

enough score

play healing (formerly known as fake healing)

archiving the cells

durational gibberish
open mouth and tongue out - -  no thoughts can enter . . . this is a new research, it feels like natural anti-anxiety 

Post Ponderosa

20 min write framework framing the work

a need for discourse of closure, for debriefment

debrief, a word picked up at NYU, who was I before that?

Perhaps I was and was not placed in the right bubble with the right platforms to cook and plate the thoughts and feelings.

here I am. again. this time. new time, a new now. I can look back.

I survived yesterday and the past.

I can rebuild the now, pieces of the past are there

if the body doesn't forget then it's all there and the only thing I can do is give the now a platform to excavate the then and place it deliciously into the present.

moments that tickle, that is the juice for me. moments that tickle.

it takes different modes of rehearsal, development, presentation and performance

an academic mindset sterilizes my insides.

turn it off for a while and catch the colors of the breath, like a butterfly, take a picture, capture it in time, then let it fly away where it can continue to do the same elsewhere.

20 min time to unravel the 3 weeks spent being unraveled

those who don't do this and the like, are they better off?

the highs are high and the lows get low. the range of the spectrum expands and contracts based on experiences shared and cultivated and exposed and atrophied.

where was i and where am i? a wounded one, came into the threshold . . . but all of it is encapsulated in the experience, a 3 week open score, one without clear delineation of roles and boundaries.

STEP RIGHT UP!  but be careful what you may find in the house of broken mirrors, you might recognize a piece that was hidden from you, 

how lucky that you get to find it, if you can handle it.

dig deep to follow the truth but realize that it floats up to the surface if you sit long enough.

hidden traces of vulnerability 

what is it all about.

"have i left you with all of the questions" allow the questions

allow the NO and YES

shoot Maybe through the heart till it breaks up into a thousand little yes's and no's, ready to conquer the world,

and be proud of the I don't knows because there is more learning to be done more purpose to be had.

Performance. Give a framework, test the waters, and do the research.

I find myself . . . blah blah blah.

Excavate the possibilities. 

a moment to answer some questions and weave new ones.

an opportunity to research without an IRB, 

these are my findings, thank you for coming.

a workout gym for the mind and the nervous system, 

they were right: this is how it feels.

In an open score is where you find it all is where all is uncovered the choice made and unmade a terrain of possibilities all of it is part of it  . . . 

not everyone is a writer, but everyone "can" write.

cough cough step outside the door of the mind rusting leaves in the distance a beat of some sort trailing not the right ear, wait, speak into my good ear shuffling of feet nearby and the clink clink. door closed a part is shut out a piece of silence while other parts get louder. an open score of sound in space.

sometimes clappter is so loud its overwhelming just clapping sometimes no clapping is my response, the whole body feels it inside that I feel that it is our enough. ENOUGH! Polite clapping, integrity lost or found or not or so uphold and support 

but what is the truth?

_________________________________________________________________________________

so what did I learn?

I need to spend time in nature. Until this happens I forget the importance, you don't know until you go.

Interested currently in performance- different types of, different avenues of, purposes to

real versus artifice

vulnerable versus compensated

Performing of the self versus performing artifice

The importance of craft, while also c

Considered intentions- thinking about all of the choices involved 

ACTIVATE! do do do

Charge! ex Charging the space with something even though it does not appear in the final product, it still has influenced the piece. Working with something super literal and then throwing it away, leaving it's tracing without spoon-feeding the audience and yourself.

On the other hand- "don't be afraid of the obvious"

A big thing learned experienced: wrecking the life, wrecking the preconceived notions of anything: of how to use space, of how space is used, of how roles are used, even the way dinner is served do do do  turn everything upside down inside out not get used of the way things are- in this open way there is an opportunity to do whatever you want and see what happens, it takes a lot of energy

Choice requires brain energy. Being with people requires a lot of brain energy- have to calibrate to the tiny increments of interactions 

New practices to stretch possibilities and shifts modes of being:

durational shaking

contemplative practice

walking backwards

enough score

play healing (formerly known as fake healing)

archiving the cells

durational gibberish
open mouth and tongue out - -  no thoughts can enter . . . this is a new research, it feels like natural anti-anxiety 

Pain

Pain as natural healer

Relationship to pain

Conversation 

Good morning

And how are all of our control freaks doing this morning?

Have you hugged your control freak today?

Travel 2015

In my excursions through Spain and Portugal with the (not so) little ones I realized that:

Emotions need a nap!

The idea of budgeting emotions/worry. This was a way to provide perspective for reactive thinking by saying: "let's budget our emotions, does this reaction warrant this big of a reaction?" It was a way to pause and reflect and reevaluate. Having a phrase or mantra to support this is helpful. When one thinks to "budget their emotions" it can soften whatever the reaction is and provide for a more centered/calm way to approach the situation. 

Edit: 

Another memory for softening reactive thinking: 

"Don't go down that rabbit hole.. Say goodbye to the rabbit"

"Bye rabbit"

The slighter insights-- the FB Collection Series

• 6.10. 13 It tickles me that you have to spend at least $20 to get that -natural- look . . .
• Facebook is a performance art venue
• 6.1.13...what if we taught preventative care of the mind body and soul starting from early childhood, as part of the curriculum, as contextualized in the curriculum, as THE curriculum?...\
•  6.1.13 linear is the new post-non-linear 
• 5.26.13 Grasping the ungraspable  
• 
  
• 5.9.13 A best friend is someone who enables and empowers you to be your best.
• 5.8.13 When you seek validation from others, you start to abuse the self

  -2.3.13 Dance Artists are Body poets
   

Harvesting the Dream 1/30/15

It has been some time now. It seems I have been in a cocoon, what happened? A shift happened.
In any case, that is neither here nor there...

I would like to write about some dreamy harvests from this weekend's dream group. I have not kept up with them, seems like I have been hibernating, or something of that sort . . .
In any case, again, that is neither here nor there, nevertheless, I'm gonna be honest, let me just say this once, and so on an so forth . . .

Some things that came up in dream group this time around:

Kathy mentioned the idea of boredom or tiredness, that we have to be aware when, during the discussion of a dream, we get tired or bored or start falling asleep. This is not irrelevant and does not happen for no reason. Boredom is not insignificant. Everything is significant, relevant. We have chosen to enter a space of the dream group, and therefore, anything that we do in the space has a relevance to it. When one's attention shifts away from what is going on, there is resistance somewhere. The mind, subconsciously,  is shifting away because it cannot process and does not want to go into that territory. Dream group, like contact improvisation, is a microcosm of what occurs in the broader world, with that being said, it allows one to make connections and to bring these cultivated nuggets of learning to gain more perspective and understanding into the world. I realize that I do this when I am not ready to process something that is said or being asked of me. It is a way to divert and to stall and avoid exposing myself to whatever is uncomfortable. I sometimes will pick up the conversation or give an answer weeks later.  I realize, it is not so much about cognitive processing time,  but an emotional processing time. One will go there when they are ready, that's it. This is important. My question is: why not go there right away? What are the barriers that get in the way to being connected and not to try to divert away?

 I also started to make connections to teaching,  my students "get distracted" and start to divert the class elsewhere, for example, by asking random questions. This is probably due to some sort of uncomfortableness that is taking place. They are vulnerable or feel exposed.

What I take from this is an awareness of: things happening when they are ready to happen. If you are not ready to hear something, you won't. If the muscle is not ready to soften, it won't, etc etc. I would like to set the intention of being aware when these moments happen with myself and with others. To be kind, curious and open to them. If I see it manifest for others, to not force but to hold space and meet people where they are at, since they will not go anywhere [emotionally] if they are not ready.

Something else that came up was the idea of being taken over by the "parent" archetype and the complexities of being a parent. Parents do and say things that are unlike themselves outside of being a parent. They seem to be run by, almost possessed, by the parent archetype. And as Kathy pointed out, one cannot fight an archetype. The Parent archetype is: judgmental, controlling. The role of the mother: black & white mode of seeing the world. It is something that is internalized. Instead of being present in the exploration, there is an anxiety that comes into the mix. It is a tide that takes over and one must have awareness so that it doesn't take over. For me, I feel the act of being a parent is the most direct choice one can undertake. I think life is malleable and one can be mindful about everything and work around things, but to make a choice of parenthood is a black and white choice, the way I see it, no wonder that it lends itself to the modes of being mentioned above.


Some other access codes:
-tapping into masculine energy
-awareness- and awareness of not being aware
-awareness: slowing down, patient 
-when is it clear to leave something and when is it not
-We also talked this time about the feel of the dream versus just describing it, less analytical, more experiential. Experience the dream versus reading it. This time the dreamer read the dream and then explained it again without looking at the notes. I could see how this would provide two different experiences of exposing the dream.

-dreams tell you what you already know-

range of spectrum

range of the spectrum
parts of the pieces
slice of the whole pie
micro and macro
be open to all of the possibilities
the part of you that is . . .

seeing 24  hour-ness in people- when live together in an enclosed space, rarely get to see people like that, do not even see friends like that.

access codes

Leading to Epiphany
"the work"
balance- everyone's idea of balance is relative-- concentric circles, affinities
opposites
listening
listening to bugs- they are sharing secrets
breathing
bringing hands to heart center
softening
letting go of fascia
writing
outlets
yoga, movement, doodles
range of spectrum
parts of selves
concentric circles of selves
listening to what some is saying to you is a reflection of themselves/own investigations
 be open to all of the possibilities

3/22/15
-what are you letting live in the world?
-you are responsible for the whole world.
-kindness

10/3/2016
closing eyes

another score

a year score: not to take anything personally!

Harvesting the Dream

it has been a while since i have written about dream group. whenever i mention the dream group, people are very intrigued, i take it for granted because i am lucky enough to go, but when i hear the reactions of others, it reminds me how lucky we are to be a part of it. i realize that there are so many slight insights that are cultivated, and that inspired me to harvest and share the sustenance. below are things that are shared outloud by dreamers or 'if-it-were-my-dream'--ers, kathy, or thoughts that come up to me as i day dream about the dreams.

• ~everything in your dream is an inner experience, all the people/situations/emotions/etc in your dream are aspects of you
• what showed up in the dream is a gift
• when you do not know something, we go directly to: "I can't" versus "I don't know how yet"
• -> mindfulness
• it is time to express yourself
• drop the  idea that you need to make a masterpiece, you already are, cannot be improved, just come to it
• leave it to the universe to put it together not from forcing (swim and dance in the unknown)
• I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.  Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
• 'embrace differences', differences are not better or worse. Differences are seen as in conflict - but not . . .
• BOOK: "The Goddesss is in Every Woman"

*one of the most impact-ful (coolest) things that we did was we were made witness to one of the dreamers taking on the roles that were in her dreams and talking as if she were them. it was amazing. kathy guided the dreamer to answer questions as if she were the different people that came up in the dream. it reminds me of letters from "sadness" and "my piece". since whatever is coming up for us, be it emotions, artistic endeavors or dreams, are just a part of us, then being conscious and allowing that essence to have a voice opens a lot of possibilities and perspectives for us. this is truly a gift. it is empowering empathy. to take it further, it would be interesting to take on other people in the same way in waking life. in that way, one might understand the motivation behind their actions.

On making a piece

 I was commissioned by my students to make a piece. the only reason i would say no is due to fear, which was not a good enough excuse. so i followed my fear and decided to see what would happen if i. below are the cultivated insights:


What I was interested in, the initial tether as impetus for creative process:
Interested in bringing my interests/questions into the process- theory into practice

Resolving people's fear- following your fear-- as a dancer, performer, and/or human...using the stage as a venue for resolving fear.

My fears, playing with mine as the process in the process and mixing w the company's

Standing on edge of now and seeking what comes next, scary but that becomes the medium

Collaboration, open space to suggest- accept and deny 

We build it together from the language that is set up ) company class and score

Theory into practice--so many classes taken in improv and composition, but I have never really utilized them in a compositional context- myself being the artist. i have used the tasks in class for teaching purposes, but never for creating purposes. I wanted to put trust in the process and see where it would take me.

Edge of now- using Doug verone's methods and trying not to judge, interested in using the new methods to see how to do that and what that looks like

Using Paul's partnering tools for superhuman people dancing- trust circle 2.0

Doing things that tickle me

what we/I did:

Free write curiosity and fear- 3 minutes on each subject

Sharing the writings

You not you dances- improvised and choreographed
superYou dances- what does your super You look life

What I learned:

Habits patterns, my patterns
there is a point in the process where i want to abandon ship, the censor/saboteur takes over and just wants to quit... this time i realized that this is a familiar feeling, albeit not very pleasant, but i was able to be aware that it was present, but not take it too seriously. It is a very strong feeling, but it's just a feeling.

Yet again: that we are all just waiting for permission. the dancers will go there with you if you set up the space. they were asking: "Now what?" "what do we do next" (this eventually was an impetus for parts of the text)

R talking to W  about it being part of the dance  (see notes from journal)

Everyone is standing at the edge of now, all together, all connected. No one knows what is going to happen next, that is what makes us so connected. no matter what we do or who we are we are all connected by the fact that we do not know what is coming next. and although we have set up things in the present for the future, we really do not have an idea of what will happen-- we cannot foresee unforeseeable circumstances and we also cannot foresee how others are going to react to what we set up. In this case it teaches to be open to possibilities, and it makes sense why people attempt to control everything-- because we have no control. This was a practice of letting go and seeing what happens next. To trust. To trust the process to trust the dancers/artists/collaborators and myself.

(in rereading this 7 months later 2/2/15, I am reminded that is a constant life practice, a meditation)

a letter from my piece (a piece of me)

Dear Rada,
this is your piece stopping by to write you a note of thanks. Thank you for letting me live. I was hidden inside crevices of the white and gray matter dancing solitary waltzes with myself. I so desperately wanted to see the light and shine my own on the people around. There were giggles in my belly that I wanted to share and tickle the fancies of people sitting zombie-like comfortably numb in the safety of their audience thrones. Thank you for freeing me to make love to life and life to love. Remember this, go back to it, its always scary to stand "at the edge of now."  . . .

And Another thing

Love is a very important contact improvisation partner...

fragile hearts

fragile hearts
and perhaps in only makes sense when it hurts
 . . .
but pain is just here visiting.

FELDENKRAIS quote

"Let me say, however, that a healthy person is the one who can live his unavowed dreams fully. ". -Feldenkrais