grief

i met my grief today. i made peace with it, i named it, i felt it, i walked with it, i escorted it, i let it be free in the waves, grief, the grips of grief, they are strong, she is strong this visitor, and she stays a long time, she doesnt get invited, and she doesnt give a shit, she arrives when she arrives and you dont even know she is there until you are ready to see her, she doesnt care, shes there regardless. oh, she'll wait, she'll wait as long as it takes for you to recognize her. she is patient like the grains of sand. she wont get your attention, she emmerges slowly, you feel her presence over and over, but you dont really know what it is until she starts to appear and then you can name her, and feed her and take care of her and be with her and then, when you feel the connection, when in actuality, you start to take care of yourself the way you did her, her work is done and she can leave. goodbye grief, you are a fierce and strong companion, i understand why you come and i am grateful that you come and sit shiva for as long as i need.

Return to Sender

In a paper shopping bag, I place all of the things that no longer serve me neatly folded with care to return to you. You can have them back and do what you may with them, but they are not mine and I do not have the space to keep them anymore. I give you back your disappointments and misguided expectations. I give you back one-sided directives and power plays. I give you back your dwellings on the past. I give you back your moderate to severe lies. I give you back unexpected anger and violent expressions. I give you back your disconnections and your need for attention by withdrawing. I give you back of your desire for me to erase my past. I give you back your objectifications. I give you back your subtle to grandiose use of control to establish power plays especially the statements that there is no such thing between us. I give you back the blame and guilt for supposed lack of care. I give you back your lack of emotional intelligence and projections. I give you back your lack of responsibility. I give you back your ignorance 

and your unwillingness to hold space to process...

I cannot give you back my disappointments, my faults, my lack of attention, my lack of heeding the red flags, my pleasure and my pain, the lack of breath, the suffocation, the hives, the tears, the consequences, the anxiety, my questions of worthiness, my confusions, my desire, my attachments, my (mis/)understandings, my learning, my teaching- they are mine. Not giving any of these away, not erasing the past as it is mine that I hold, and even if I wanted to I could not give it away. It is a part of me and a part of my learning and my path.